Photo by Evan Kirby on Unsplash
Have you ever felt bad about yourself – scarred and tainted, stuck in a rut? Ever cried silently at night, telling yourself that you are no good and that no one will take you seriously ever again? Then you are not alone.
I have been in that situation many times. I wallowed in self-pity, cried buckets of tears, and stayed in bed for days. I survived and bounced back – though not always for the better; in a few occasions, to an even worse situation just because I wanted to bury my sorrows deep. Then I would find myself on the losing end. However, I had wired myself to always rise above any situation. It is not as easy as setting a dough and letting it rise and tomorrow I would be new. I‘ve had to battle with myself, struggle with the internal dialogue, and change the tone towards myself.
Most people have gone through this season in their lives one way or another. It is normal to feel guilty, scared, discouraged or hopeless. But, ask yourself: “Is this where I want to be?” “Will I just give up?” “What must I do to let go?” You might feel that you have no assurance that whatever you are feeling will go away. But a little bit of relief from your situation will greatly help. You would want to be in a better state and mood than slowly being buried under the weight on your shoulders.
My life has been in many bumps and cycles of a rollercoaster ride in practically all departments. I’ve had to face the battlefield in love, career, and family. Every intersection had its chokepoint. I could not just give up. I had to find my way back to where I was destined to be. I needed to get past all these.
At that time, I believed: “No one will fight my battles except me.” “There is no way that I will not rise above this.” “I will come out stronger than this”. Some call it epiphany; I called it believe-ability.
Coming to a turning point in life requires a rigid introspective process. It requires you to strip yourself bare naked to the truth. This may be unpleasant but something we need to open ourselves to and embrace to help us feel better.
Learning from my exposure to people and psychology and my complex life experiences, here are some things that I hope will help you bounce back better next time you find yourself in a slump.
ACKNOWLEDGE. Zero in on how you feel. Try to identify all the emotions going on and honestly acknowledge how you are feeling — sad, lonely, empty, anxious, mad, angry, furious, discontent, frustrated, inadequate or self-pity. If you acknowledge how you feel and identify the emotion/s you are feeling, you would be able to dissect how this all came about.
ASSESS. Once you have identified the emotions weighing you down, you would be able to safely sort it out. Think of it as unpacking luggage from a trip and sorting out the soiled clothes from the clean ones. The soiled clothes are those causing you much burden. Unfold each one and inspect the seams and hems. Assess why this emotion is eating you up and what triggered it.
Take a pen and paper, and give yourself an hour or two to answer these questions: (1) What emotions are you feeling? (2) Why are you feeling this way? What made you to feel it ? (3) What situation caused you to feel this way at present and in the past? Who were the people involved?
After rummaging through what you are feeling, take a short break because the next step needs courage.
ACCEPT. True acceptance requires an open mind, a teachable heart, and an objective perspective about the load you are carrying. An open mind enables us to accept that we all fall short and make mistakes. A teachable heart brings us to accept our shortcomings and learn from them. An objective perspective allows you to take a look at your situation from a third-party vantage point. Detach yourself, honestly assess, and accept the source of your burden.
Accept that you are human. You make mistakes.
Accept that you sometimes batter yourself with unrealistic expectations.
Accept that you also need to give yourself the compassion you need from people.
Accept that there are things beyond our control and comprehension. When these things happen, accept that things happen for a reason – one you need not think of for now.
Often, future scenarios will reveal why things happened and how the lessons learned prove valuable.
Accept that there are countless reasons to be thankful.
Accept that there is a greater Being – a great God who set you up to be here on earth. Accept that every bit of you is intricately and uniquely made according to the image and likeness of the Creator.
Accept that you are made to love, understand, and forgive.
ACT. An act of compassion is something we need to practice every day. Practice being kind, encouraging and forgiving to yourself. As you go about your day, you might encounter triggers that cause you to react negatively. Take a step back. Acknowledge. Assess. Accept. Now, if your reaction caused someone to feel ill-at-ease, it’s a call for you to act. Apologize. Sorry is a magic word, after all.
Count your littlest of blessings. Be thankful from sunrise to sundown. A grateful heart drowns the sense of loss, despair and unforgiveness. Seeing the world with a smiling face changes the mood – it’s like wearing rose-colored glasses. It is beautiful.
Forgiving yourself requires a deep dive to the source of all your hurts and pains. It is a long and arduous process. It may take years, even decades, to process every scenario and situation. Pain could act like a shadow that, triggered – by a word, a gesture, a similar scenario, could come to the fore. You might find yourself defensive or offensive. And the cycle of self-battery repeats.
Nowadays, when I am haunted by a past hurt, I take a deep breath and detach myself from the past. I consciously make an effort to be in the now and ask, “What is the issue?” Back then, I would rely on believe-ability, until that was no longer enough to totally let go of my wounded and bruised self.
Whenever I could no longer fathom my pain, I pray. But even this can sometimes be stale unless I am totally honest. It was only when I prayed in complete surrender and asked forgiveness for all the wrong things that I have done and believed that I am child of God that I was set free. I was able to acknowledge how wretched I was and assess how self-absorbed and self-serving I had been. It was when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior that my previous life was shown to me – how blinded I was by my own beliefs. Slowly, I have learned to act to be rid of my pain – going through every scenario in life and seeing it in the light of how I can use it to help others not to go through the abyss I went through.
The wringing pain in our hearts serves as a reminder to let love in. It is a reminder that forgiveness is a grace given to us freely by the Savior. It is the same grace you can give yourself and other people who have caused you pain. All it takes is just an admittance and a heart that forgives. Welcome God’s love, ask for forgiveness, and let peace and joy reign in your life.
Alpha Gracias C. Allanigui describes herself as “a learner and lover of life, a marketing strategist by profession with a creative heart and a philosophical mind, an extroverted introvert, the queen mother of two young men, a sister to sibs and friends, a daughter to a couple of spritely individuals, and a proud child of God.”
