Instead of Nagging…

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“When will you start eating veggies?”
“At your age, you already exceeded your quota of eating meat!”
“Don’t you know how good ampalaya is for you?”

No, these were not timeless words from my mom. They were from my darling wife. It was like that in the early years of our marriage. Truth to tell, I felt nagged.

(Now before I continue, I know husbands can nag their wives, too. I ought to know; I am one of them. I just call my nagging “lectures”. While nagging works both ways, I wrote this article from a husband’s point of view to keep it simple and avoid awkward devices such as “he/she”.)

I hate being nagged. It was a minor battle between us. I played deaf. I was glib: “You say I exceeded my quota in eating meat, but I’m in sales. Beating your quota is good for you!” In reality, I was being selfish. Whenever I ignored her “nagging”, I was actually saying “I don’t care! I want that steak right now!”

But one day, while drooling over lechon, I knew I wasn’t making Lucy happy. That sapped the glee out of feasting on the crunchy, shiny-red skin with a thin succulent layer of fat underneath. I knew her point was for my own good (“Forego the lechon! Or at least scrape off the fat!”), but why did I dislike the way she said it for the umpteenth time?

Then it hit me. Deep down, I interpreted Lucy as saying, “Nelson, I cannot count on you. You keep forgetting. You’re not taking this seriously. That’s why I have to keep repeating. If you will only do what I say, I will stop nagging.” Since I didn’t like to be labelled as unreliable or uncaring – rightly or wrongly – I resented the nagging. Some husbands even retaliate by being passive-aggressive.

I have learned that there is a hidden language between the nagger and the “nag-ee”. If you are on the receiving end, dig deep within yourself as to why nagging irks you. Do you have a million things in your mind right now and the latest nagging is a distraction? Or do you have a conflict-averse temperament and nagging stirs unwanted ripples in an otherwise sedate life? Self-understanding is a great start.

Then have a safe conversation with your spouse. “Honey, I feel like you don’t trust me…”  Note the use of “I” as in expressing how you feel, not “you” as in “Honey, when will you get off my back?” Sometimes, when the wife is aware how her words are affecting you, she will either back off or use a different tone.

What helped me was to see the “nagging” in its real light: Your wife really has your best interest at heart. Lucy loved me enough to confront my unhealthy diet. She knew that, uncorrected, I would likely eat my way to diabetes, arteriosclerosis – even an early grave. The other recurring script in her “nagging” was “Nelson, God has gifted you so much. I want you to have a long life serving Him, but you can’t do it if you are ailing or bedridden.” Alas, I was so focused on the negative, I tuned out from the positive side of the “nagging.”

So husbands, before you immediately label your beloved as a nagger, get to see the underlying motive. She is helping you in the best way she knows how. So park your ego and separate the critique from the critic. Perhaps she has a point, after all. Then, do what she is “nagging” you about. I know it sounds crazy, but one day you’ll thank her for it.

And this is where wives can help. Ready?

Instead of nagging, show appreciation.

Let’s say the wife tells the husband along the lines of “How many times I have to tell you, take out the garbage. You never do it. You don’t know how hard I work to make this house spic and span and the least you can do is blah blah blah…”  Chances are, the husband will haul out the trash bags but with a smoldering mood of resentment. If the wife will hear some grumbling, it isn’t the garbage collector.

But suppose the wife says this “Honey, can you do me a favor and take out a trash? I would really appreciate it!” Which approach do you think works better?

It doesn’t end there. When the husband returns with mission accomplished, the wife genuinely commends him. “Thanks so much! That means a lot to me.” I don’t know about you, but I would feel like a million bucks. The next time the wife does this, the husband will be similarly motivated to take out the trash. In fact, the time should come that the husband doesn’t have to be told; it gives him a good feeling to take out the trash.

Do you see the psychology? Nagging makes us husbands feel guilty, shamed or even emasculated. The key is to make us feel like heroes. Because that is how we men are wired.

I thank God that He gave me a wise wife. During one breakfast, Lucy said, “You remember Jim and Carla, our friends at church? Jim now has to undergo dialysis.”

Surprised, I said, “Why? What happened? Jim strikes me as somewhat of a health buff.”

“That’s what I thought, too. But Carla just told me that, in reality, Jim loves to eat red meat. Whenever she changed her cooking to fish, Jim would go into a tantrum and insisted on meat. It has been like that for years. Now, his kidneys are giving way.”

Lucy paused and continued, “That’s why I am grateful to God for you. You’re different.”

As I looked down at the daing na bangus I was savoring, I thanked God, too, for the “nagging”.  Did Lucy’s appreciative tone encourage me to eat more fish and veggies? You bet. I felt heroic.  Although I draw the line at ampalaya.

By the grace of God, I am eating healthier in my 16 years of marriage than all the years before as a bachelor. Because I saw Lucy’s concern, I am changing my script.

As Proverbs 32:1 says, “Blessed is the man whose wife doesn’t make a Supreme Court case out of his every neglect. And blessed is the wife who brings out the best in her husband.”  Yes, I know I made that up. Don’t nag me.