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“Do you have pasalubong for me?” “Can I sleep beside you?” “Do you love me?” “When will we do a road trip?” “Are you listening?” These are few of the questions we usually get from our kids, and some we ourselves asked of our parents when we were young.
We often show love based on what we feel is our best expression of love. Think of that time when your kid was so delighted with your pasalubong of a piece of Goldilocks polvoron, or that one family get together that your child unli-mentioned your Enchanted Kingdom bonding. Do you also brag about how your teenager is unashamed to hold your hand while walking in the mall, or that short conversation when a kilig moment with a crush was shared to you?
And then there are times we get frustrated because our affection is not reciprocated. Have you said “I love you” repeatedly, and had not gotten a response, or given a gift which was just set aside as if it’s nothing? When you kissed your kid goodbye and there’s no reaction? What about that time you did a project with your child – and for him, it’s something you’re expected to do, never mind that you had to take the time off from work just to get it done?
We parents face many challenges. But the one that truly bothers us is when our children don’t get that all we want to do is show them that we truly love them dearly! A parent’s journey is really an ongoing quest. We have this incessant need to understand our kids, or, at least for our own sanity and validation, to feel assured that we know who our kids are.
“It’s not you; it’s me.” In the context of parenting, you need to hear it from the perspective of your child – something that I needed to learn with my heartstrings braided many times over in quiet pain and unseen tears.
The nagging need to master my love expression as a parent led me to read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. It gave me an insight on how I express my love and how my children express theirs. He explains five possible ways we seek and express love:
1. Words of affirmation. For those with this love language, words hold real value. Words of affirmation like “You look fab”, “You’re the best,” and “I love you” can make them coo with a smile the whole day. A daily dose of compliments will keep the relationship a-ok. A loving and affirming word will go a long way.
Keep your conversations pleasant. Avoid cursing, shouting, insults and derogatory remarks. These cut deep and leave a mark on the heart.
2. Quality time. This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Being a loved one’s main focus makes them feel secure and satisfied. Focused attention is crucial, while forgotten commitments, distractions, and the failure to listen are especially hurtful. When you are together, make sure that the phone is off or on silent mode. When your child is sharing a story, keep your eye on him. Otherwise, you will get a snide remark: “Are you listening?” Make sure you avoid looking elsewhere when you are with this person. As they say, “Wherever you are, be all there.” Be 100% present.
3. Receiving gifts. Anything tangible given to a person with this love language makes them feel loved and appreciated. A gift is synonymous to being loved especially if it is something they like. A spontaneous gift will touch the heart when it is given on an ordinary day – not just when there is a special occasion. For them, it means being thought of and remembered. Do you know of anyone who likes giving you things randomly? Take the cue.
4. Acts of service. You will often find people with this love language lending a helping hand. They like surprising you with practical ways to ease your burdens. Indeed, for them, actions speak louder than words. In the same way, volunteering to help them is their gauge that you value them. Your response to a favor they ask will mean a lot to them. Do something for the love of this person.
5. Physical touch. For those with this love language, an appropriate touch speaks volumes. Touchy-feely, they often connect physically by holding hands, kissing, tapping on the back, a hug, or a firm touch on the arm. A well-meaning and gentle touch assures them of their value. A touch is valorized to being “one with you” or “I dig you”. Give this person a hug.
Get to know your own and your child’s love language.
My children, Tristan and Joshua, have different love languages, and I have learned to intentionally communicate to them according their own preference. As I become sensitive to their unique love language, they have come to appreciate mine as well.
Nevertheless, as a single mom, I need the supernatural and extravagant love of our Almighty God to share to my children for them to know that they have a Father who will never leave nor forsake them. The void that I, on my own, cannot fill is something that only He can fill and sustain.
“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” (Ps. 127:3) Such a mindset will make us look heavenward and see how He loved us.
The best way to show love for our children is by making Christ known to them. Our children may outlive us, but let love live in their hearts forever by giving them the gift of GOD who can outpower all of us in love. Love in the home will empower anyone to stand in the midst turmoil and chaos. Choose love and the Source of love all the time.
Alpha Gracias C. Allanigui describes herself as “a learner and lover of life, a marketing strategist by profession with a creative heart and a philosophical mind, an extroverted introvert, the queen mother of two young men, a sister to sibs and friends, a daughter to a couple of spritely individuals, and a proud child of God.”
