Asperger Syndrome (AS or Asperger’s) is a condition regarded more in a negative light than as a welcome challenge in parenting. I viewed it negatively at first, but my journey with a family member with Asperger’s allowed me to grow and learn to embrace it as a beautiful, normal part of our family life. Let me give you a glimpse.
My son, the second of our three children, was diagnosed with AS. When he was a toddler, my husband and I sensed something special about him. As early as three years old, he displayed extraordinary musical skill. He loved classical music, which calmed him down every time he had a tantrum. It kept him focused and relaxed. When he was five years old, he loved watching people play the piano, and started to try his hands on the keyboard. We were amazed when he learned to play some advanced piano pieces just by watching. He also displayed special interest in mechanical engineering, especially in roller coaster design. At a very young age, he could create very intricate designs using his Roller Coaster Design game application. He displayed advanced motor and coordination skills as well. Climbing up the window grilles and stairs was so easy for him. Seeing him do handstands was a common sight. He also had advanced memory skills. He memorized the flags of different countries. Because of these, we realized that our son was gifted.
Aside from advanced intelligence, musical, and motor skills, we also noted some things different about him. He was scared of loud sounds and panicked every time it rained. Whenever he found something interesting to watch, he kept on watching it over and over. He needed ample time to transition: it was very difficult for him to handle sudden changes of any kind. Most of his tantrums were due to sudden changes. He thrived in rules and had a difficult time concentrating when somebody did not follow the rules. Everybody needed to follow the rules without exception.
As a young couple with small kids, our “learn-as-we-go” knowledge on parenting made it challenging for us to handle our highly intelligent and creative child. At first, without knowing that our child had Asperger’s, we responded to him based on how we were brought up and disciplined by our own parents. But in the process, we learned to adjust our approach based on his needs and uniqueness.
When my son was in his toddler years, whenever we brought him to a park or any place where he can play, leaving the place was a real challenge. He would cry and refuse to be on his car seat. It would take two people to wrestle with him and make sure that he was securely strapped. He would thrust wildly and shout at the top of his voice for several minutes. Later on, my husband figured out that the best way to make him leave without a struggle was to give him time to prepare for what would happen next. We would ask him, “Son, we need to go. How many more minutes do you need?” He would then tell us how much longer he still needed to finish whatever he was doing. Since it usually ranged from five to fifteen minutes, we would ask him 15 minutes before we really needed to leave. When the time was up, he would just say, “Ok, let’s go.” I couldn’t believe that it worked! We felt that we had discovered secret knowledge from above!
Before, we were parenting him on trial and error. For discipline, we tried spanking; but we observed that it was not working. He would often display rage. So we tried the time-out-chair: whenever he needed to be disciplined, we would ask him to sit on his time-out chair for five minutes. Most of the time, he would ask for an extension. He would say, “I’m not yet ok, I need more minutes. “ The time-out chair was the right disciplinary approach for him.
Because we did not know how his mind worked, we felt we were bad parents whenever he spoke his mind unfiltered. This sometimes pressured us to use cookie-cutter parenting from self-help parenting books. That did not help.
As parents of a child with Asperger’s, we learned that our child was different from neurotypical or “common” people. We acknowledged that we did not fully know our child and that we needed to do everything in our capacity to get to know him better everyday. This would help us respond to him based on his specific needs and situation.
We realized too, that getting professional help is necessary for smart parenting. It gave us the right information about our child and helped us to learn how to respond based on his specific needs and capacity.
My husband and I had our own personal issues and struggles we need to work on as well. So, to be able to help our children, we needed to accept that our personal worth is based on God’s love. Without such confidence, we would base our worth as parents on how our children respond to us. We would get our need for acceptance from them. That is the perfect formula for a broken child. The grace that God has given to us should always remind us to be more gracious to our children.
I would rather see Asperger syndrome not as a deficiency, but as only one of the diversities of humanity. How people with Asperger’s express themselves and cope is just one of many ways how people express and cope. Just like everybody else, they are different, unique, special, and created in God’s image. This is the most important lesson we learned as parents of a child with unique qualities.
Cindy Padasas de Tablan obtained her MA in Counseling from the Asian Theological Seminary and teaches Counseling subjects at IEMELIF Bible College. Their missionary singing group, PRASIA, of which she and her husband, Daniel, are co-founders, takes them and their children, Daphne, Rafael, and Elise, to different countries around the world.
