Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
Overseas Filipino workers (OFWs) face a lot of challenges, given the complexity of the living arrangements they have to put up with to survive. Most of them go through a total separation of relationships, being away from their spouse and children at least two years for their first contract and one year contract thereafter. How can they make their parenting presence felt among their children and still be significantly involved in their lives even while they are away?
I asked several land- and sea-based OFW fathers about their challenges as OFW dads. Here were their responses:
- Not being present on special occasions. It was heart-wrenching to hear them say that they missed being there on their children’s birthdays, graduations, debuts, and sometimes even the wedding of their mature children.
- Communication. Some still struggle in this area despite the cost of communication has significantly gone down through the years because of the viability of the internet.
- Loneliness and homesickness. Many things can go wrong if you don’t handle these issues. It can lead you to look for happiness someplace else. Many marriages and families have been destroyed because of illicit and extramarital affairs committed by lonely and homesick OFWs.
A study on the impact of migration on OFW children reveals that these children “see migration as abandonment by parents; the children may or may not exhibit any resentments but it will be obvious to adolescents. School performance of children of migrant mothers tends to be lower than other children. ‘Techy’ parenting will not replace the emotional bonding of physical presence.”1
With no role models to follow, children of OFWs can develop an incomplete sense of self-identity. Family ties are weakened. Deviant behaviors may develop due to lack of parental guidance and discipline. Some of them are observed to be poor in behavior and academic performance in school. Children of OFWs have a feeling of “permanence of absence,” similar to that experienced by orphans and abandoned children. They are also vulnerable to abuse and violence.2
The OFW phenomenon, while creating a sense of hope and material stability both for OFWs and their families and the country’s economy, has also threatened the stability of families, weakening them morally, emotionally and spiritually.
It is hard to be an effective dad while being physically away from your children especially when they are at their most vulnerable ages; harder even when they are in the formative phase of their lives. The consequences of being away too long will be forever etched in their children’s mind.
And so, I salute OFW fathers who despite being separated from their families for a long time, give much effort — not without struggles but with a sense of mission — to be a father to their children. How can we make it work?
Gregory W. Slayton, author of the book Be a Better Dad Today said it well: “Happy, strong and godly families are not built by accident. They are built over time, memory by memory, in good times and bad times.” We have to work at it. We have to make it work.”
If you are a father considering working abroad, make sure to involve your spouse and your children who are old enough to understand the situation in the decision making, since this will disrupt the family’s status quo. Agree on your goals as a family: What’s the main of objective in working abroad? How long will you work there? Whether it’s for the purpose of getting all the kids through college, buying a house, or saving up money for a future business, decide on a timeline. If you decide together, you will have a better chance of enjoying the fruits of your sacrifices.
When you have taken this step with your family’s blessing, how can you effectively parent from afar? The OFW fathers I spoke with said:
- Communicate regularly. Call them daily, if possible. Where there is strong internet signal, call them on Skype or Messenger. Remember to greet them on their birthdays and on special occasions.
- Say “I love you” often. Assuring them constantly how you love and miss them strengthens familial ties and may rid them of feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and anxiety.Tell them you think about them every day even if there is distance between you and them.
- Talk to them, not only as a father, but also as a friend. This applies especially to teenagers,who are more likely to be open and conversant.
- Listen to them. Show genuine interest when they communicate to you.
- Keep up with their interests. Know what they like doing at school and at home.
- Have quality vacation times with them. Make sure quality time is spent with them when you are home.
To these may I add:
- Train them early on to obey and respect authority of parents so that they would continue to recognize your authority even if you are away. My son, who lives and studies at a state university outside Metro Manila, still calls and asks permission or informs us when he is about to have a group study or play badminton with friends. He is “wired” with that rule.
- Pray for them daily, and with them. Ask every child, “What do you want Daddy to pray for you?” List their answers down. Pray with them over the phone.
- Read the Bible with them. In this way, you bring them up in a way that honors God.
- Counsel your children. If your children grow up in an environment of trust and openness, your children, especially teenagers, would trust your counsel. Counsel them especially when they seek it, but do not force it .
- Love them even when they sin.
- Praise them. Offer praise whenever possible. Reward them when appropriate.
All things said, all of these are just “gap fillers”. The father must see his migrant work as temporary. You must then lead your family back to normalcy by being physically present with them.
Meanwhile, while it may be difficult to play our role as fathers from afar, we can make it work. The key is constant communication with your family and your intentional parenting of your children. Imagine what difference it would make to your family if you conscientiously fulfill your role as leader and father despite being far away.
Where there is no vision, the people perish.
Proverbs 29:18
1 Melanie M. Reyes “Migration and Filipino Children Left-Behind: A Literature Review
Miriam College – Women and Gender Institute (July 2008)
2 The Condition of Overseas Filipino Workers in Saudi Arabia: Final Report of the Investigating Mission of the Committee on Overseas Workers’ Affairs (COWA) to Saudi Arabia (January 9 – 13, 2011)
Rene Bunsoy serves as the Training and Mobilization Director of Global Filipino Movement Foundation, Inc., a registered NGO that helps resolve issues of migrant workers and trains churches to minister to the migrant worker’s family. He is happily married to Angelica Bunsoy and is father to grown-up young men, Rene Joshua, Francis Arnold, and Patrick. For more info about the Global Filipino Movement, visit their FB page, GFMFI, or call 669-1808.
