Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash
Raising kids can really be challenging, particularly in this day and age where there are a lot of competing voices of authority. As a parent, it can be quite arduous to understand how our child chooses to act or behave a certain way, and we struggle with communicating with them in a way that they would “get it.”
Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all approach, as each child is an individual. Though born from the same set of parents, no two siblings are alike. As it is written in Psalms 139:14, we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Each of us is born with our own temperament, personality traits, talents and abilities.
Building a child’s identity based on their individuality will require a parent to know their kid’s temperament, intrinsic traits and inclinations. According to Tim LaHaye in his book The Spirit-Controlled Temperament, there are four types of temperament that people are born with, which are inherent in each human being and provides us with specific qualities that makes us unique. Our temperament is a combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect our behavior and makes us either extrovert or introvert, outgoing or shy, etc. A parent may not be addressing a need of an introvert child by forcing him or her to join a declamation contest. It could also be frustrating for a sanguine child to be given a task of record-keeping or bookkeeping as they are natural talkers and work best with people and social projects. Learning about the four temperaments and their intrinsic qualities will help us figure out how to better address the individual needs of our children and mold their character and identity. Here is a quick overview of the temperaments:
- Sanguine – life of the party, the talker
- Choleric – doers, active, practical, leader
- Melancholic –analytical, perfectionist, gifted, sensitive
- Phlegmatic – calm, easygoing
Knowing your child’s love language will also be helpful for a parent to communicate with their child effectively. A person’s love language is the way that he or she speaks and understands or expresses and experiences love. The five love languages as popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman are as follows:
- quality time
- receiving gifts
- acts of service
- words of affirmation
- physical touch
One child who has receiving gifts as a love language will be overjoyed by a parent’s pasalubong, but this will not have the same effect on a child who craves quality time as an expression of love. Spanking as a discipline could be torture to a child whose love language is touch. Reaching out to your silent teen or active child will be easier if you know how to communicate love to them in a way that they will recognize and receive.
For children to develop and grow into healthy adults, parents need to provide security by meeting their individual needs and affirming their identity as male or female created in the image of God (Gen. 1:27) and preparing them for the realities of life. If parents deliberately connect with their kids and establish open communication with them, they can be a major influence in how their children develop a healthy sense of self. Provide them with nurture and security by being generous with affection, attention and affirmation. Communicate through their love language. Find out what their inborn traits are, discover their natural temperament, and love them completely and differently. Avoid labeling and be their champion when being labeled by peers or other people. Affirm their gender identity by assuring them that they are male or female created by God, even though they may have different abilities or inclinations than usual kids of their gender. Let them find their own path and follow their own dreams instead of being restricted to gender-stereotypes and labels (ex. engineers should be men, nurses are only women, designers are gays, etc.).
A child’s search for identity should be addressed at home. Parents or parental figures at home are important gender role models in establishing gender identity. Sons need to be imitating their dads and daughters need to be bonded to their moms. Being affirmed by a same sex parent is a built-in need, a need that parents can readily provide through understanding their child’s temperament and love language. Because of this, a child needs affirmation, affection and attention from a same-sex parent.
At the same time, we recognize that there are many cases in which for one reason or another, same-sex modeling and bonding may not be possible, available, or currently ideal – for instance when the same-sex parent is not physically present (as in OFW or single parent households) or is emotionally absent. This is when the church family, extended family, school, and even close family friends need to extend their arms in providing safe father figures or mother figures who can be healthy role models. This way, the child is able to build a healthy identity and get his or her affirmation or affection needs met from a same gender parental figure. As it is often said, “It takes a village to raise a child. “
Recognize your child’s uniqueness and nurture them with loving words, tender hugs, bonding moments. As Frederick Douglas said “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men”.
References:
Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, IL: Moody Publishers, 2009.
Tim LaHaye, The Spirit Controlled Temperament (Revised), IL: Tyndale House, 1993.
