Photo by Wes Hicks on Unsplash
An anonymous quote says, “Motherhood changes everything.” I used to ask myself if that was true. Now at age 30, as mom to a nine-month old sweet baby girl, I know it did.
When I was single, I always tried imagining myself pregnant, giving birth – even caring for a baby. I would laugh and tell myself, “How will I ever muster the courage and strength to face all that?” It seemed really difficult at a time I knew that my heart could only handle my own concerns. I had many issues to deal with in my younger years that the thought of having my own family seemed too much for me. Would I make it through the first trimester or the even the first few minutes of labor?
Then I got married to my best friend in a beautiful wedding – everything I could ask for. But after our first month together, my husband started talking about having a baby. I got really scared. People told me I was already 29, and it was the perfect age for me to have a baby. But age did not worry me; it was the idea of being a good mom. Because of my personal experiences, I had a self-imposed standard of what a mother should be.
After doing a reality check, I believed I was not ready. Will I be able to give and sustain life, nurture, and be ready to sacrifice everything for my baby?
Then, in February 2017, on my first ultrasound, I saw for the first time eight-week old Kaela’s heart beating in my womb. My heart turned.
I realize now that maybe I was very hesitant to have a baby, not because of the responsibility that goes with it (that’s a given, just like anything else in life), but because the fear of “firsthood” laid hold of me. We all go through it: first day of school, first interview, first job, first house, first bill to pay, first pregnancy. We fear “firsts” because they come with so much uncertainty. We fear what we do not see or what we do not know or what we couldn’t gauge. We don’t like being caught off-guard and coming into a season unprepared. We don’t like getting hurt, and so in order to avoid making mistakes, we turn down almost every first-time opportunity.
My sudden jump from being wife to mother brought so much uncertainty that my worries paralyzed me. I looked at myself, at my husband, and what we had. I listened to the closest people around me. I thought there was little encouragement and too many warnings. Because of this, I had a lot of breakdowns, and it affected my pregnancy. I did not have a smooth first trimester. I know there’s no turning back and I am not a bad person. I do not want my baby to get hurt. So what should I do now? Is there anyone who can help me, please?
Then, as if on cue, God came and saved me from missing out on the beauty of this season. He rescued me from my fears, silencing every uncertainty by assuring me of His unfailing love: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 Jn. 4:18)
Any “first” in life might have its pains and hardships, but it is valuable because in that season, you learn to hold on and truly know and experience the faithful, committed, trustworthy, and unchanging love of God.
I saw, tasted, heard, and felt the reality of this love during this season of “firsts” in my life. Since finding out that I was pregnant, to hearing my baby’s heartbeat for first time, to going through my first operation in my entire life (and a C-section at that!), I knew that God’s love was right there with me. Even when I saw my baby in much pain the first time she got sick, until today, seeing her joy from her first taste of papaya, I was convinced God’s love cannot be moved.
This perfect and ever-reliable love enabled me to see the joy that comes with life’s firsts. In everything that I have gone through so far – those many times I was really unprepared and committed mistakes, both big and small – God intervened, reminding me that all I needed was His loving presence. This lifted the burden off my heart, as if it has long been prepared for this season. Looking back, I know those are the memories that I will always treasure as a woman, as a wife, and as a mother.
A first-time mom’s days will be filled with laughter, and sometimes with tears, too. But whatever day you are in, remember to turn to the Love that remains. It’s all that you will need to get you through.
Krizia Marie S. Vega is a young mom who loves writing about her life experiences and learnings in the desire to inspire and encourage young women like herself in the areas of family, career, love, and faith. She is wife to Pastor Eric Vega of Church So Blessed (Rodriguez) and mom to nine-month old Kaela Marie. She currently works at World Vision Philippines.
